Sunday, November 05, 2006

The most important call, ever


I just got a call from Rush Limbaugh, asking, no, imploring me to vote conservative Tuesday, to prevent liberals from taking over the government, and assumedly, ruining it. Rush called me -- David Leone! What an honor. What importance this election must be for a syndicated millionaire addict talk show host to take his valuable time to call a guy like me. I’m so honored. It’s incredible. If only I could vote for Rush for congress. What a better world it would be then!

Rush didn’t let me get a word in edgewise, which my wife suggested means it was actually a recording, but I know better -- that’s the way he always talks! Rush. What an honor! Better stay by the phone tomorrow; maybe I’ll get a call from a major TV figure who’ll convince me that liberals can’t be trusted because they make up statistics during debates or in books, and even use them again when corrected, or because liberals pad their resumes with awards they never received. So, maybe I’ll get a call from Bill O’Reilly! Or Ann Coulter! I’m giddy at the possibilities!

Hey, maybe I will vote conservative. Because if there’s one thing I don’t want, it’s to ruin a government that any totalitarian dictator, kleptomaniac, or crack-addled idiot would be proud to call his own.

Let me just run down my list of modern conservative values. I thought I knew what values were important: honesty, integrity, taking care of the elderly, hurt and destitute, respecting the liberties of others, wishing for a robust economy that raises all boats, that kind of stuff. But oh my God if Rush Limbaugh thinks those are actually evil values, I must be wrong! That’s what I get for looking to scum like George Washington and Jesus Christ for my values.

But wait, what are conservative values? If I’m going to re-elect these important candidates whose morality is above reproach, I have to know just what values to look for in a politician. Maybe I can look through the news for some examples.

Ah! Here’s one: Marriage is between a woman and a man. And his mistress. And his crank-supplying gay lover. Gotta remember those family values.

Oh, that’s right; I also have to make sure to vote for people who are pro-life. Unless they’re against executing the possibly guilty. Or saving the lives of mothers seeking abortions. Or saving the lives of muslims caught up in an indiscriminate dragnet. Or those caught in a crossfire. Or those who live within a country or two away from where the 9/11 terrorists are hiding. Or those who need a doctor but can’t afford it. Got it.

Aha! I remember -- I have to vote for people who have an undying respect and honor for the 2nd amendment to the Constitution: the right to bear arms. That one’s easy because I already believe in that. Only I have to make sure to pick the people with the properly nuanced beliefs. I absolutely cannot vote for someone who also respects the 1st amendment: the right to free speech and religion. Or really, the 5th and 6th amendments, because terrorists might be able to exploit those freedoms. I mean, c’mon, civil liberties need to be restricted to only those people that non-corrupt politicians, cops, judges, and district attorneys are certain are really innocent. It’s a good thing I’ll be voting conservative -- that will guarantee that I won’t be electing corrupt politicians, who will undoubtedly guarantee that law enforcement personnel and soldiers won’t make any mistakes or act maliciously against anyone who might not be guilty of a crime. Whew! That’s a load off my back. I don’t know why I haven’t been voting conservative all along!

Are there any more values I need to think about? Oh yes. I need to elect people who provide good American jobs by ensuring that giant filthy rich corporations make more money then ever before. Because we all know how wasteful rich people are with their money. Just think of all the lavish things they’ll buy that will need to be made by minimum wage workers. That’ll keep us all employed, no doubt. But really, I’m hoping that my conservative congressmen vote to do away with the minimum wage altogether. Just think of it, if there was no minimum wage, you could pay 5 people the same amount as one person now. For $10 ten people could be producing goods. Unemployment would be zero! Imagine all of the products that will be made, shipped and sold, all putting enormous amounts of wealth back into the pockets of the companies. And then, you know it’ll happen, a few pennies on every thousand dollars will come trickling back down into our own pockets. It’ll be a utopia. Damn liberals.

That’s all the values I can think of right now, but there must be more, so I implore readers of my blog to help me out with some others, so I can be fully prepared when I head to the polls on Tuesday. Just think of the glory that this country would be if we all regained our senses and voted conservative. The possibilities are staggering.

UPDATE: No one bothered to respond, so to punish them, I voted Democratic. So there!

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